only his love can satisfy / the story of fathers

A few months ago when my mom told me she wanted to start up a blog of her story, I thought this was a great idea. She's wanted to do this a long time, so when she finally did I was really happy. If you haven't checked it out - you can here, and I'd really suggest reading her first blog post before reading this. 

My side of the story is a little different for obvious reasons, because I wasn't there when my parents met, or when my mom found out she was pregnant, or when my biological dad left because she was. So, here it is.

It didn't really end with them getting married and living happily ever after, because my biological dad decided he wanted back in my life at 4 years old, so we started seeing each other, I spent every Saturday over at his house with his new wife and family, and it was never anything a relationship with your dad should be. In fact, I don't even know if you can call it a relationship. We watched movies all day, and really barely talked at all. 

I know so many people that were adopted when they were younger, searching for their parents, and I always have to think to myself that it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. I understand why people feel this way, a little bit... but what I have a hard time with is why would you want to go to someone who never wanted you to begin with, someone who wasn't there when you said your first word, or had your first day of high school, got married (please please if you're still searching at the  time of marriage... stop.) People get so wrapped up in thinking it's better for them than just enjoying the family who has loved you and spent so much time raising you all along.

We as humans crave so much love, a love that only God can satisfy. When you spend your life wondering why people left, and why they couldn't love you, you're wasting your time. You can only truly experience the love of anyone, if you first experience the love of Christ, really. 

My dad left again when I was 8. He had to choose between me and his family, and he chose them. I specifically remember not being surprised, because quite honestly, maybe he never loved me. It doesn't matter though, what matters it the big picture. I get one absolutely fantastic family. I get to be apart of my moms life, my dads life, (um and huge shoutout to Gerry for sharing his last name with me ;)) my two brothers, and the dearest baby sister. They're everything I could have dreamed of in a family, and having to share the privilege of a family with a whole other one kind of sounds like an unnecessary mess.

I remember at a weekend retreat a few years ago that the speaker spoke really in depth about how our heavenly father IS our father, and that earthly fathers WILL fail us, and I remember that meaning so much to me. For once I felt like all I needed was the love of Christ, because that was the most satisfying love from a father that there was. I think that was the first time in my life I realized that I didn't need the love of a father who couldn't make his mind up about me to satisfy me. No, I had my dad, the one who was there when I was born, who raised me, who loved me, who never left me, and on top of that, an even more amazing God whose love will NEVER run out.

Don't chase after things and people that will only hurt you more, and don't dwell on the past, because it truly is that, the past - only His love can satisfy you.

showing that you love

Last week I celebrated my 18th birthday. The day was filled with so much happiness & joy, people telling me how much I'm loved, how much they value my friendship, how much people wish they could be with me on my birthday, you know all that birthday-ness. I had a good day on my birthday, I even found out some bad news, but I didn't let it ruin my day. It got me to thinking that everyday should be a day as happy as a birthday. 

I wish we had reasons to tell people we loved them everyday. I wish that everyone felt as special as they did on their best birthday ever. I wish that texting your friend that you just saw yesterday "I miss you" was something that happened more often. I wish that picking someone up a single rose on your way to see them was a regular. I wish that we knew how much we were loved.

People underestimate themselves everyday, they doubt themselves, they wish they had a different, better life, they wish that someone would tell them they love them, at least I do... but that's not how it is because we're so wrapped up in this or that to remember what is an actual essential in life - love.

So many times I get discouraged at myself for feeling sad, because I know that I shouldn't be. I have a Heavenly father that loves me more than I'll ever know, but something still feels empty. The world is so surrounded by darkness that it finds its way in. Feelings of sadness and brokenness allow me to realize how I can help others feeling the same way. We were sent here to show the love of Christ, no way could we ever show how much love that really is, because we are human - but man, what an honor to be a daughter of the king and be able to share joy and love to the darkness around me. What an honor that the Father has put this job upon us to share the lightness. But also, how terrifying.

What holds us back from shining through the darkness? The darkness itself. We live in a fast paced world where we are told to go with the flow - well, quite honestly where we are forced to go with the flow. So often I try to remind myself that this earth does not own me. So many times it is a rush to get somewhere, it is continual stress to get homework done on time, it is being pushed & pulled every which way. In the middle of the chaos, stop and breathe and remember to whom you belong. Remind yourself that whatever you are doing at that moment is for temporary satisfaction - your calling for this earth is far beyond your work place, your education, your grocery shopping, your everyday stress. Your calling for earth is to love - every. single. day. Your calling is to show people they are worth something, because of Christ. Your calling is to share the love of the Lord to this dark, dark world. Don't get sidetracked, don't let everyday distractions get in the way, don't let the lies of "maybe someday" creep in, because "someday" is today.

but but we are all already Christians???

(because every post needs a picture.. duh.)

So, every year there is this thing called "see you at the pole" and it's an event where students at any school meet at their flag pole the morning before a typical school day and pray over their school, for each other, worship, etc. Yesterday was the see you at the pole day, and last night, there was a rally where a bunch of youth came together with their schools and had a huge night of worship, games, and reflecting on the event. I am obviously homeschooled/in college, but I wanted to go anyway. 

A majority of the night was going into your groups categorized by which school you went to in which case I went with the Christian school here in Duluth whose basketball team I manage. Our small group time was literally the story of my life. Anytime a bunch of homeschoolers or Christian schoolers get together, we are like deer in the headlights when it comes to asking about how you can share the gospel within your school. People think this is some kind of joke, like "what are you talking about? I go to a Christian school." THIS IS NOT THE CASE PEOPLE. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I have ANYTHING against going to a Christian school, in fact I just applied to a Christian college, like I'm all for it, but what people don't understand in these situations is this is not an opportunity to jump into the Christian atmosphere where rainbows surround you and your friends everyday because you all have a general agreence of "being Christians" I'm sorry, but that to me is like going into your church and just agreeing that you can all go home because you're already Christians and everything is going fine and dandy. You're not off the hook here!

Teenagers, kids of the world, whoever you are: you can witness to people ANYWHERE YOU GO. One of the things we were encouraged to do is pray for our schools before we walk into them, and the next thing was to walk up to someone and ask "how can I pray for you?" It seems crazy, I know, but not as crazy after you went through some of the worst parts in St. Paul and did the same thing (maybe I should be writing about that... the coolest experience.)

The moral of the story is there is always someone struggling. My friends and I ask each other how we can pray for each other even though we all know we have a relationship with Christ. That doesn't make us any greater of people! We are still struggling with real life situations, we still need guidance, love, help, all of that. So next time you think you are off the hook for being a witness, find a different way to show them Christ. They may know Him, but they may not actually have a relationship with Him.

Party on people, Jesus needs you're light.

the problem with spiritual highs

This past week, I spent a week counseling and volunteering in other ways at a Bible camp up north. This week, I'm spending a few down days in the cities at my grandparents, and this weekend I'm going to spending the weekend at HSLT (high school leadership training.) 

Every since high school started and the weekend retreats/conferences/youth groups started, I've noticed one thing that happens to almost 90% of students - spiritual highs. In my words, I'd say a spiritual high is when you get a little "too" pumped on Jesus. The whole weekend you just are 100% you're going to change your life and you're SO incredibly happy because you love Jesus & Jesus loves you. 

However, just like anything, life is not all lollipops & rainbows. I believe part of the causing for spiritual highs is because for a weekend/week/few days you're away from the real world. You aren't necessarily feeling pain or having hardships because the only thing you're focusing on is JESUS.

Don't get me wrong, I love spiritual highs, but it's afterwards when I come crashing down that absolutely sucks. I tend to get so sad and discouraged and feel so far from Jesus because I wasn't able to stick with him just like I had planned to. One of the things I noticed on both my camp and HSLT sheets were spiritually preparing yourself for the time away. I think one of the most important times in preparing for anything like this is praying for yourself and the people there. We don't want spiritual highs, we want life changing experiences. Your life is not going to change in 1, 2, or even 5 days. Anything good takes time, anything worth while takes time.

Make goals for yourself that are reachable and will encourage you and others to keep searching for Jesus and pursuing a relationship with him away from your spiritual highs.

unending grace + diabetes go together?

I'll probably type up this entire blog post and not have the faith or strength to press "publish." The reason I've been absent from this blog so long is my lack of confidence in what I'm sharing with my readers and the pure laziness of writing up posts that mean anything more than a picture or two being shared from my project 365. 

A few months ago when I went to get my drivers permit at the DMV I was informed that you have to have a doctor sign off to be able to drive with type 1 diabetes - which right off the bat I knew would be a problem. My diabetes isn't (wasn't) in the greatest condition at all. In fact, I'd say it was fine, but I wasn't trying at all to take care of it. Not to sound dramatic, but my diabetes was quite literally failing on me. With an A1C of 11.7, when it's supposed to be in the 7.5 range, I wasn't doing too hot. 

Anywho I had a month to get this form signed and my A1C below 10 before my permit would be provoked by the state of MN for another few months, so I started working hard. At first, it was terribly hard. I literally felt like I didn't even know how to care for my diabetes at this point in my life. I disconnected my pump because it wasn't working like it should have been and I thought a change in pattern could do me some good.

First A1C test was about 6 weeks ago, which I failed. 11.7 was nothing near my goal and I was SHOCKED at this number. I knew my diabetes was bad, but not this bad. Oh my goodness it was SO discouraging. A lot of times I feel so alone in this because there really are only few people that understand how hard it is to manage diabetes, especially as a teenager. Clearly this number was a screaming "no" to the world of driving, BUT by the grace of God and the nice man at the DMV, my mom was able to convince a month of slack.

This past Friday before we left for Colorado, I got another blood draw for another A1C test and tested at 10.2. This was extremely encouraging because the A1C is an average of 3 months - and I barely had a month and a half to improve, that's a pretty big improvement for one month. This wasn't below 10 again, BUT my doctor and nurse rock my world and agreed to give me 6 months of driving as long as I could get my A1C down below 10 after that - which gives me just enough time to get my license and more. 

This is a long blog post about boring details but the main point here is that sometimes I just sit and think about how much I do not deserve and how much I still get. God knows exactly what I need and what my family needs, and even if my diabetes wasn't 100% in this time of trying, God knows that I've done my absolute best, and I couldn't be more thankful for his grace and love on me.

I feel so much better, and healthier, and happier with my diabetes. I don't constantly feel like I'm failing. I feel like it's not owning me anymore, it's fabulous. Anyway, thanks for reading. Xoxoxo my loves. :)

being a lukewarm Christian

So, if you follow me on twitter you probably already know that I'm obsessed with Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love. It's SO perfect, and eye opening and just GOOD. I've never felt so overwhelmed with the realization that Jesus LOVES me. 

Chapter 4… about being a lukewarm Christian, holy convicting. So many of the things I read in there have or do apply to my life. So I've decided to share for all those people that won't read this book. (Also note that I don't blame you if you hate reading, I also hate reading but am semi forcing myself to love reading. ;))

Lukewarm acts from the book that convicted me:

(Note that that there are lots more and I really, once again encourage you to read the dang book already.)

Attend church regularly because it is expected of them.

This one is half half for me. I've always gone to church because yes, I know I am expected to be there. A lot of times I know that if someone doesn't' see me there they may be judging my reasons for not going… am I the only one? This is something I need to let go of. Church is not supposed to be impressive, yet I am supposed to go for myself.

Isaiah 29:13 -  The Lord says:

“These people come near to me with their mouth

and honor me with their lips,

but their hearts are far from me.

Their worship of me

is based on merely human rules they have been taught.

Rarely share their faith with their neighbors, co-workers, friends, etc.

Ok wow, this one hit me hard. I am terrible at sharing my faith with faith-less people. I will sit and talk about Jesus with you for hours if I know you are comfortable with the subject. However, in day to day conversations with strangers, I feel even awkward and timid to mention church-going. Another thing about me though - I don't know too many people that aren't Christians. I spend most of my time with believers - not in a snoody "I won't be friends with non Christians way" but just in the way that that's how it is. I pray that once I am thrown into more non-Christians, I'll be able to share more boldly. 

Are moved by stories of people who do radical things for Christ, but rarely act.

THIS THIS THIS THIS. I love love love hearing about missions trips, I love hearing stories and seeing pictures and crying over videos and images of orphans, but oh my gosh what am I doing still sitting on my couch? I WANT to be sent, but I don't try to be sent. One of my goals for 2014 is to look into more missions. 

James 1:22 - Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

Love others but do not seek to love others more than themselves.

I want so badly to love others as much as I love myself, wow seriously what a gift that'd be, to love your neighbor as yourself.

I'm only sharing these three, but there are so many more that are SO good and convicting. I want so badly to just take everything out of these problems and change them, but oh man the heart is so stubborn sometimes. You can't just pick up a book and finish it going on a missions trip, loving people as much as yourself, and sharing your faith with the entire world. Lord, please prepare my heart and shape me into the woman you want me to be.

I hope this encourages you guys as much as it did me!

filled up.

I think if someone were to ask me what the best time of my life has been so far, I'd explain right now. Man, let me tell you, life is full of ups and downs, and it seems like it's a never ending roller coster, but finally I feel like I'm at the very top and I just, I'm never coming back down.

God has been SO amazing these past few months. I constantly feel like I'm being challenged beyond words, I feel like everyday I am finding new flaws to work on and to hand over to the Lord, I am realizing I am not spiritually mature, in fact, learning that I can't live without Him, not even a single day. I am ready for a change of heart. After the Cru weekend retreat I remember just thinking, "God, please don't let this be another spiritual high" and here I am feeling like I am on top of the world. I feel like every day I am made new, I am challenged to be better than yesterday, I am challenged to love deeper, to pray harder, to live so dang full. 

Lord, let my life be the proof of your love. Let me be a light, let me be the living Word, let me exclaim your name and live in your Joy. Let me be filled up. I am SO happy. This is love, this is Jesus.