nonsense.

I can't sleep, the days just run together. Love is lost forever, I fear the possibility of always being alone. I search for the son, but all I see is the sin. I bury myself in sadness and tears. I sleep on wounds and travel in my dreams. Who knows me for who I am? They are left behind, only in the rear view. I smile and cry at the same time, all my emotions run deeply together. Tea runs through my veins, am I even alive? I'm scared of getting married because I'm scared of fighting and being wrong and slipping and not loving. I find myself falling in love with images of pretty woman that live behind computer screens. I see myself screaming silently in the woods surrounded by nothing but human eating creatures. I fight with everything in me - but it's not much. I keep swimming, swimming fast, but the waves keep crashing over my heads. I finish every poem, and I don't know what I'm saying. I listen to the music as I know the artist and cry when they sing about pain. I don't know what words are, I feel like a little girl in a very, very, very big world, and I seem vulnerable but I might be very strong.

"i write"

you know, 

i'm not really sure of anything i write.

one day it's true, the next it's not,

the next i wish i would have never talked.

i write about love but i don't know what it is, 

i write about dreams that i never remember.

in fact,

my dreams are dreams of dreams i wish i'd have.

i write about him, and i write about me, 

but be assured, there is no such thing.

i write about music, and songs that i write, 

but surely there is nothing else to do at night.

i write about you and i write about us,

i write about words and i write about the cross.

i write about scars and i write about shame,

i write about the silent minutes of pain.

sometimes i write, 

not ever sure what about.

a short note to the keeg man

Keegan, 

one of my best friends, 

my baby brother, 

my go to up-to-no-good partner, 

miracle baby.

I wanted to tell you something. I am SO proud of you. You are just a little light in this world. You are kind, you are hilarious, you are smiles, you are laughter, you are sweet, you are innocent, you are a miracle. I am SO beyond happy that I get to be your big sister. Watching you grow up has been one of the best experiences. You make me so happy little buddy. I know God has amazingly big plans for your life. Keep being a shining light in this dark world. Love you bro :)

i've been meaning to write for awhile now

"I've been meaning to write for awhile now, 

write about life, about love, about joy, about pain. 

I've been meaning to write about you, and to write about me.

Been meaning to talk, been meaning to change.

I've been meaning to stop, just for a moment, 

just to listen, just to breathe, but I can't. 

I can't seem to stop.

I can't seem to slow down, I can't seem to spit the words out, 

I can't seem to write them down or get them out. 

I can't get them out on paper, I can't get them out with music, 

I can't get them out with love or with joy or with pain. 

I just can't.

So, if you need me, I'll be here, trying to get the words out. 

I'll be trying to write in my dreams, in my songs, in my empty journals. 

I've been trying to write,

I've been meaning to write."

bring back the little in me

waiting to grow up.

to travel the world,

to fall in love,

to be free,

but,

you have to wait. 

you wake up

and here it is.

you're grown up,

but it's different,

different than you thought.

you aren't in love,

you aren't traveling,

you aren't quite free.

you have things to do.

and suddenly, you want it back.

you want back the innocence,

and the wonder,

and the curiosity.

real life: growing up is no fun.