I can't sleep, the days just run together. Love is lost forever, I fear the possibility of always being alone. I search for the son, but all I see is the sin. I bury myself in sadness and tears. I sleep on wounds and travel in my dreams. Who knows me for who I am? They are left behind, only in the rear view. I smile and cry at the same time, all my emotions run deeply together. Tea runs through my veins, am I even alive? I'm scared of getting married because I'm scared of fighting and being wrong and slipping and not loving. I find myself falling in love with images of pretty woman that live behind computer screens. I see myself screaming silently in the woods surrounded by nothing but human eating creatures. I fight with everything in me - but it's not much. I keep swimming, swimming fast, but the waves keep crashing over my heads. I finish every poem, and I don't know what I'm saying. I listen to the music as I know the artist and cry when they sing about pain. I don't know what words are, I feel like a little girl in a very, very, very big world, and I seem vulnerable but I might be very strong.
oh my gosh i can relate w this and love this. ;) x
ReplyDeleteoh, Kiley! I can relate, but you're so beautiful, and loving and so so kind, I can't imagine you feeling this! You'll find that someone, I know you will. You are SUCH a lovable person!
ReplyDeletexo,
rn
www.rachelnicoleblog.com
okayyy.. I've been sitting here for way to long trying to think of what to write. words fail.
ReplyDelete"I'm scared of getting married because I'm scared of fighting and being wrong and slipping and not loving." << when I read that- my heart skipped a beat. That line described my struggle the last few months. although, marriage isn't really in my future right now, it's been on my heart. Everywhere in life, I've seen marriages struggle. They haven't broken, and divorce isn't an option, but they aren't strong- they aren't what I want in my marriage. And I find myself struggling with even the thought of marriage because- "what if my marriage ends up like that?". Everybody starts out saying "I won't let my marriage go the wrong way.", but people mess up and make mistakes. Maybe I'm just afraid of messing it up. In class the other day, my bible teacher said "The success of your marriage doesn't depend on the success of the people around you or your parents's marriage. It depends on what you and your partner put into your marriage." And I get it. It's in my head, but I can't seem to get it into my heart.
(okay, I'm sorry for the long comment and run-on sentences. i've just been thinking about this a lot of late, and it just all came out.)
You have always been one of my favorite bloggers because you are so honest about struggles in your life, yet you are constantly filled with the joy of Christ- it's visible. But, this post just makes me want to give you a huge hug.
(okay, i'm done now.)