only his love can satisfy / the story of fathers

A few months ago when my mom told me she wanted to start up a blog of her story, I thought this was a great idea. She's wanted to do this a long time, so when she finally did I was really happy. If you haven't checked it out - you can here, and I'd really suggest reading her first blog post before reading this. 

My side of the story is a little different for obvious reasons, because I wasn't there when my parents met, or when my mom found out she was pregnant, or when my biological dad left because she was. So, here it is.

It didn't really end with them getting married and living happily ever after, because my biological dad decided he wanted back in my life at 4 years old, so we started seeing each other, I spent every Saturday over at his house with his new wife and family, and it was never anything a relationship with your dad should be. In fact, I don't even know if you can call it a relationship. We watched movies all day, and really barely talked at all. 

I know so many people that were adopted when they were younger, searching for their parents, and I always have to think to myself that it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. I understand why people feel this way, a little bit... but what I have a hard time with is why would you want to go to someone who never wanted you to begin with, someone who wasn't there when you said your first word, or had your first day of high school, got married (please please if you're still searching at the  time of marriage... stop.) People get so wrapped up in thinking it's better for them than just enjoying the family who has loved you and spent so much time raising you all along.

We as humans crave so much love, a love that only God can satisfy. When you spend your life wondering why people left, and why they couldn't love you, you're wasting your time. You can only truly experience the love of anyone, if you first experience the love of Christ, really. 

My dad left again when I was 8. He had to choose between me and his family, and he chose them. I specifically remember not being surprised, because quite honestly, maybe he never loved me. It doesn't matter though, what matters it the big picture. I get one absolutely fantastic family. I get to be apart of my moms life, my dads life, (um and huge shoutout to Gerry for sharing his last name with me ;)) my two brothers, and the dearest baby sister. They're everything I could have dreamed of in a family, and having to share the privilege of a family with a whole other one kind of sounds like an unnecessary mess.

I remember at a weekend retreat a few years ago that the speaker spoke really in depth about how our heavenly father IS our father, and that earthly fathers WILL fail us, and I remember that meaning so much to me. For once I felt like all I needed was the love of Christ, because that was the most satisfying love from a father that there was. I think that was the first time in my life I realized that I didn't need the love of a father who couldn't make his mind up about me to satisfy me. No, I had my dad, the one who was there when I was born, who raised me, who loved me, who never left me, and on top of that, an even more amazing God whose love will NEVER run out.

Don't chase after things and people that will only hurt you more, and don't dwell on the past, because it truly is that, the past - only His love can satisfy you.